Week 1 Recap: Ravens v. Skins Super Bowl, Injuries Everywhere, and Matt Stafford Might Actually Be Brain Dead

First off, you all are very lucky that I’m actually even able to do this recap because I was about one more Matt Stafford INT away from smashing my laptop last night as I watched Eric drool out a 2 point win over my clearly superior team…but I’ll get to that later.

For now, let’s talk about the positives from this weekend: the Skins look great, the Ravens proved Nate Peterman probably should go back to being a bank teller, Brian and Cait celebrated an anniversary, Bichner got real sweaty at a wedding, and Eric finally came out as trans…

Big week all around, so let’s look at how the games shook out:

Eric Beats Mike 100-97

I needed nothing more than a pedestrian day from Ol’ Fat Face to cruise to an easy win over Secretariat Krzys, and what does that bloated bitch do? Four fucking interceptions and about 14 sacks. Brian’s Lions just out here letting the JETS score 50. I think it’s safe to say there is a new fattest face in town, folks:

Jim Takes Down James 132.5 – 100

Remember when James got to keep Todd Gurley in like the 12th round this year? Well James, your punishment is both your QBs getting hurt opening day and almost losing Aaron Rodgers for the season. Of course, you still have Gurley and DJ and Rodgers was faking it the whole time so you’ll probably still be stacked (fuck you).

Live look at Rodgers trying to make money from his couch this season:

Cait Knocks Off Chris 100.5 – 89

Not a ton of action in this one except we learned 2 very important things about the AFC North from Chris’s team:

1.) The Raven’s D is the most dominant unit ever assembled, and

2.) Skinny Ben Rothlisberger CANNOT throw a football. Seriously, Chris has been trying to tell us for years, but losing weight is never the answer…it’s why I’m back on carbs.

Bichner Dominates Lori 153 – 73

I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict that rostering 3 current Redskins, a former Redskin QB, a 1 Million year old kicker and a backup Steeler’s RB is not ALWAYS going to result in one of the highest scoring weeks of anyone in the league, but at least for now hats off to your boy Matt.

Also, the Saints defense…woof:

Halie Delivers Against Michelle 139 – 119.5

This one wasn’t really fair since this was 3 vs 1 (get it, cuz she pregnant as fuck), but Halie cooked up the big win against the reigning champ on the heels of Tyreek the Freak who went for 41. That said, I took a look at Halie’s roster and saw little scarlet letters next to just about every name so I don’t know what kind of evil she is casting on her players. Might be time to change that team name?

Brian With the Powerhouse Beating Over Nick 155 – 71

We wrap up this week with just a good old fashion Asian massacre that would have made Genghis Khan proud. The Lions may be the worst team on the planet again, but that didn’t stop Brian from finding every chink in Nick’s armor (that joke sucked but I get off work in 3 minutes and I’m tired of writing this recap).

Brian probably deserved this one after what happened last year, but I for one am way more excited to watch Nick get zero points from Desean Jackson every time he plays him and 30+ every time he’s on the bench. That is a lock. Nick every week from now on:

Ok, that’s it for this week. Get ready for a Bengal beating Thursday night and I’ll see you on the recap next week!